Wow.

Life just sucks, doesn't it? Maybe I just wasn't supposed to live. It sure seems like it. God. I wish that I didn't have to stop cutting. I mean, everyone is expecting that the only reason I told was to get help. It wasn't. I just wanted to stop lying to everyone. And do you know what it got me into? It made me start lying MORE. Now everyone thinks that I've stopped. Well, screw them. I'm not stopping. Which scares me. Because it's getting more serious. It's so tempting to just take it all the way down my wrists. The other day, I was standing next to all of our cooking stuff, and I saw the handle of a knife sticking up. And I picked it up. It took all of my will power to put it down before I did anything stupid. And it wasn't because I could've ended up killing myself or because it'd be even worse to do it with a knife cuz it'd go deeper and what not, but it was because who wants to cut their food with a bloody knife? And how could I wash it off good enough without someone hearing the water running and walking up behind me and asking why I was washing a butcher knife? That's what scares me. God. What has happened to me? What happened to the happy little girl running around the house with her big sissy on all fours? What the hel happened? It seems like I was never t hat girl at all. It just seems like another story I made up. Was it? So much has changed. What's real and what's fake? Does anyone know? If you do, please help me.